Making Peace with a Schedule

(source)

A few weeks ago, I got an email from someone looking to flesh out the concept of unschooling a little more. One of her (paraphrased) questions was "Do you ever feel like you're just spinning your wheels, and/or putting out fires all day?"

My answer: Yes. And when I notice it's happening frequently, I know it's time for something to change. More specifically, I know it's time for me to make a change. It's not a good thing for me OR the kids if I'm scattered all day, flitting here and there and not really present for any of it. Unschooling shouldn't be about reacting, but about being there, right there in the moment.

Since getting all renewed and re-inspired at the conference, I have sadly realized that I really have been doing all too much wheel-spinning lately. Further, I've realized that I have done the same exact thing when each of my boys was Tegan's age (3) as well. When my kids are around 3 - not quite babies anymore - I sort of have a little life crisis. They are more independent, and playing on their own more often, and needing me in very different ways than before. I start to feel that itch of wanting to take on a new hobby, or start a new business, or devote some time to a certain passion. The difference this time though is that when the boys were her age, I was either about to have another baby, or I'd just had one. So the feelings would go away, and I'd happily immerse myself once again in diapers and onesies and dimpled elbows and chubby feet and sweet smelling baby heads. This time there is no pregnancy and there is no new baby. Which is in turns heartbreakingly sad, and strangely exciting.

Lately my heightened crisis has caused me to become suddenly interested in 20,000 different things. And of course I still want to be present for my kids, and fully invested in unschooling and hands-on parenting. I want to figure out this whole "homemaker" thing, and make (and keep) a nice home for my family. I also want to have some time for myself, and some time for blogging, and some time for pursuing my own interests. As a result, I'm sorry to say, I feel I've been only a little bit good at all of the above. I've also been anxious about the new season, which is suddenly thrusting us from having zero standing weekly plans to having basketball, gymnastics, scouts, church, and bible study meetings.

And so, I've decided to get organized and make a plan. Instead of a zillion personal pursuits, at the moment I'm going to focus on one. And you're reading it. This blog is my fifth baby, my heart, and my soul. I don't know what is going to happen in the future, but for right now, this is what I need to be doing. I need to be doing it so badly that I actually made myself a schedule.

I'm not a big schedule person (in fact I sort of hate them with a passion), but I also know that they work really, really well for me. They help me focus on what I'm supposed to be focusing on, and they help my scattered brain get a little less scattered.

Here then, is my - always flexible, always subject to change - schedule:

Morning: Coffee, emails, empty the dishwasher

Rest of the day into the afternoon: Leave the computer alone (instead of checking emails/Facebook in 2 or 3 minute little bursts all the live long day). Be present and focused and available for the kids.... for playing, for projects, for questions, for reading, for talking, for hanging out.

2:00-4:00ish (still working on this): Take time for myself to blog, answer emails and comments, and work on other writing-related stuff, without feeling guilty about it.

4:30 Pick up our messes for the day to get ready for the evening

5:00 till whenever we go to bed: Dinner, dishes, activities, television, playing, and hanging out (and maybe I'll check emails and Facebook somewhere in there too :)).

The idea is that when I'm with the kids, I'm WITH them. When I'm doing something for me, I'm doing something for me. And so on. It's still very much an experiment, because honestly, it's something I've never really tried before. I had grand plans to start it yesterday, but instead had an unexpected (and welcome) outing with friends we haven't seen for 3 months.

So we started it today. I did pretty well with ignoring my computer until 2:00, although I'm thinking I'm not so great with the cold turkey thing. The kids were all 100% on board with giving me my time at 2:00... but I spent 10 minutes of it in the tub with the girl, and another 5 explaining to the 14 year old about researching "completed" listings on Ebay to help price something he wanted to sell... both of which were momentarily more important than my own needs. At the time of this writing, it is 3:00, and all four kids have settled into a happy, comfortable groove. I'll commit myself to giving it an honest try, and a fair amount of time, and we'll see what it brings. I'm kind of excited at the prospect though, even if it means some adjustment, for all involved.

If you're a stay-at-home parent, do you have some sort of schedule for your day? How does it work for you?



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A Year Without Mirrors

(source)

Have you seen this blog?

Mirror, Mirror... OFF The Wall

I came across this the other day, and I found it absolutely fascinating. Like really fascinating. I can't stop reading. You'll definitely want to spend some time there when you're done here (you're welcome), but in a nutshell:

It's written by a woman who formerly worked in the fashion industry, and is currently studying the relationship between "beauty" and equality. The blog is about her year-long experiment - begun 6 months before her wedding - in which she completely gives up mirrors.

I love it. Love the concept, love her writing, love how it makes me think.

Body image and self image and how we perceive beauty in general are such a huge part of our culture. I like to pretend that they aren't, but turning on a television or picking up a magazine or walking just about anywhere in public tells me otherwise.

My kids tell me otherwise too, in ways that break my heart. My 14 year old starting to worry about shaving and acne and what girls will think of his appearance. My 11 year old, who has finally stopped cutting off all his curls because he thought that straight hair was cooler. My three year old little girl, who's already been told by a proud 5 year old cousin: "You're not as skinny as me."

It all makes me sad, and certainly isn't a subject that can be covered (or covered well anyway) in one single blog post. I think I just might write about it some more in the future. In the meantime, check out her blog, and be inspired.



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Happy 1,000 Giveaway

Last weekend, I hit 1,000 fans on my Facebook page. I promised that when I reached 1,000, I would do a giveaway to celebrate. So here it is! I am humbled and thrilled to have so many of you reading along. I would write regardless, but having you all here makes it a whole lot more fun. :) Thank you all - all 1038 of you - so very much for being here, and for sharing my blog with others.

And without further ado, the giveaway! There's a lot of really cool stuff here, so make sure you read all the way to the bottom to see it all, and to see what you need to do to enter.

1. Jaimee, who runs the blog and etsy store, Craft Interrupted, says:

Hello Readers! My name is Jaimee and I am a stay-at-home mom to three boys. Much of my time is spent playing Batman, assisting with tree climbing, and helping defeat Bowser. More of my time is spent refilling juice cups, collecting muddy clothing, and reading piles of Curious George books. In the midst of the madness, I nurture my art degree and love of creativity by blogging craft projects and inspirational ideas at Craft, Interrupted. I also sells handmade baby toys and children's art wallets in my etsy store, By Craft, Interrupted. I'm so excited to participate in this awesome giveaway! You can visit Jaimee's Facebook page here.

Jaimee is giving away one Scribblet, a great (and adorable) take-along kids' wallet. It comes stuffed with crayons, notepad, and activity book, and is perfect for waiting rooms, travel, or any time your kids are bored :) Winner can choose a boy or girl themed print:

2.  Next is Bonnie, from Inspired Occasions. She makes delicious - and beautiful - cakes, cupcakes and other custom treats here in the Phoenix valley. You can visit her Facebook page for more.

Bonnie is a homeschooling mommy to three kiddos, ages 9, 4 and 2. She started her business 8 years ago to have a flexible schedule and stay home with her kids. The fact that she loves what she does is icing on the cake!

Bonnie is giving away one dozen dress or cake shaped cookies, (or mixed OR if you need another shape let me know). These are the yummiest sugar cookies! The icing is hand piped and made to match your theme or colors. Please allow at least 2 weeks for your order.

3.  Heather is a fellow unschooler who (when she's not busy encouraging people to be awesome over at her blog, Swiss Army Wife), is the creator of beautiful and unique chain maille jewelry which she sells on Etsy as Misty Island Armory.  In addition to her website, you can find her and her jewelry on Facebook as well.

She says:

I recently rekindled my love of making and designing jewelry. After discovering chain maille techniques I haven't been able to turn back. I love the pieces I create and I think you will too.

Heather is giving away one pair of these rainbow byzantine earrings:

Her write-up says "They are brightly colored and super light weight. Perfect for someone who doesn't like long heavy earrings or for a child who loves rainbows."  You can visit their listing in her store for more.

In addition, she's generously offered a 15% discount for my readers for the rest of the month of August!  Definitely take some time to check out all the great pieces in her store, then use the coupon code MCGRAIL when checking out.

4.  Next up, is an offering from Handmade by Tara

.
Tara says:

As a full time working Mom I found myself needing an outlet for myself, a way to calm myself and just be me. About a year ago I went to a jewelry workshop and found that exact thing. I have never considered myself creative, and still don't, but this tapped in to my creative side that I never knew was there. I enjoy doing the birthstone necklaces/bracelets because there is nothing more important to me than family and any way I can show them off I will! My pieces are not perfect but they are unique to you and your family. 

Tara is giving away one basic birthstone necklace.  The birthstones (of your choosing) hang on a 24 inch sterling silver chain.

 
I wear this necklace myself, and it is beautiful!

5.   Fellow unschooler Alice, who is a busy mom of 5 (including brand new twin baby girls) owns and operates Alice's Handmade Crafts.  She makes childrens' tutus, hats, and accessories, as well as custom embroidered products for adults.  Alice says:

I've always felt a need to create things, and this is the perfect outlet for me. My biggest seller is definitely the hat with flowers on top, with tutus as a close second. My newest items are the flower accessory and the elastic headband with flower, and I'm hoping they'll be popular as well. But my favorite projects, and the ones I'm most proud of, are my embroidered products. They are my most intricate items, and the ones I feel like I can really put myself into through design and color...

Today Alice is offering either one free custom flower headband, sized to fit whatever head you want, with your choice of color flower and either pearl or rhinestone center; OR a $10 gift certificate to put towards anything else in her shop, including custom items.  Here is what the headbands look like:

Cute baby girl not included :)

Visit Alice's Etsy Shop and Facebook page to see more.

6. Tara Mauger is an empowerment life coach who has generously offered to donate one free session to one of my readers.

Not sure what life coaching is all about? From her website:

I help people, like you, discover their true self empowerment. I guide you through the steps to take for you to lead a more empowered life in all areas of your life – usually working on one particular area at a time. I’m a firm believer in the ‘Laws of attraction’ and I work with you to be an empowered ‘attraction magnet’ for all your desires.

....

I help many people form different walks in life discover their true self empowerment in all areas of their life like: Financial (desired income etc), Relationships (with partners, children family and friends), Health & Wellness (weight loss, motivating fitness, healthy eating, dispelling sickness etc), Parenting, just to name a few.

Be sure to visit Tara's website and Facebook page to learn more.

7.  Jerry owns and operates Rural Toys, which creates and sells beautiful hand crafted wooden toys and doll furniture, as well as bowls, cutting boards and cutlery. He's been a toymaker since 1992, and "believes that toys need to "do" something, so most trucks, trains, animals, hop, waddle, etc. And they must be sturdy. Most furniture pieces get stood on to make sure that everything is ready for shipment."

I started making toys in 1992 for a local Christmas giveaway. When I showed friends samples, I pretty much sold all the items to them – fortunately, the charity gladly accepted cash but they also appreciated the wooded items I did have left.
In 2006 I started making Noah’s ark animals for a local vacation Bible school craft project. We added a nativity plaque the following year.
In 2008 I started making beds and other furniture for the 18” doll as a sturdy, low cost alternative to the non-solid wood imports.
Due to the actions by the Consumer Product Safety Commission, I no longer add any finish to the items I create for children.
I also create bowls, cutting boards, and cutlery using exotic and domestic hardwoods and participate at four or five art and craft shows each fall.

Today Jerry is giving away one hardwood (poplar) stool/bench for that extra height for toothbrushing. Sturdy (he stands on each of them before they are "approved") and NOT Imported Nor MDF! This is an older version of this stool/bench, and can be personalized up to 8 letters.

Bench Mode

The seat back rotates forward to the floor to convert it a step stool.

This measures approximately 13 inches by 11 inches by 12 inches tall. The seat is approximately 6 inches from the floor. The step is about 3 inches from the floor.  Shipped to continental US only.

In addition, he's also offering a one-time 10% off coupon for all my readers at his Etsy Store and website! Please go check out his wagons, Noah's Ark toy, and wooden doll beds. (Use coupon code Blessed4 on Etsy. If ordering from his website - which he describes as 'new and evolving' - he will provide a 10% rebate if you let him know you came from my site) 


8.  And finally, the last item is lip balm lovingly made by yours truly

Yours will be brand new and sealed with plastic :)

Before I spent all my free time blogging, I made homemade lip balms.  These are 100% vegan, and come in 1/3 oz metal tins so they are nice and slim and easy to slip in a pocket.  This is the only thing I use on my lips!  The winner gets three tins (I have several scents/flavors to choose from) so you can have one for purse, pocket, and bedroom.  Just don't leave them in the car if you live in a hot climate like me.

********************

Want to win something?!  Here's what you need to know:

I will keep this open for one week, and announce the winners on Monday, August 14th... so send your friends!  I am going to work it like a raffle.  Everyone who enters will be entered to win any of the above offerings.  One person will be randomly chosen (using randomizer.org) to win each item.  To enter:

1) Leave a comment on this post, and be sure to leave your email address so we can easily reach you.

For additional, optional entries:

2) Check out the websites and Facebook pages listed above, and "like" at least one of them on Facebook.

3) Share the link to this post on Twitter.

4) Share the link to this post on Facebook.

5) And just for fun (and because I'm in a movie mood), tell me your all-time favorite movie for a final bonus entry.

You don't need to come back and leave separate comments for each method.... just leave me one comment and let me know which of the above that you've done.

********************

Thank you to each and every one of you.  I appreciate you all more than you know.  And a huge thank you to all the beautiful people who've generously donated to the giveaway as well!

Good luck!!



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Yup, I've got Boys

So, Jessica of Bohemian Bowmans told me I should check out the M.O.B. Society (Moms of Boys). Since I generally trust her judgment, I heeded her advice. They are having a blog hop, and since I've never blog hopped before, I thought I just might give it a whirl. So I went, I saw, and I hopped.

Welcome to those who are here from the MOB Society (and to everyone else who is here for the first time!)

I am a mom of boys, three of them in fact.

Me, almost 11 yr old, 7 yr old, and 14 yr old.  They're awesome.

For the first 11 years of my parenting journey, I was a mom to ALL boys. Lots of matchbox cars, legos, and testosterone in this house.  I loved having all boys!! I still love having boys, but I have since been blessed with a beautiful little girl as well:

She's awesome too.

I am a full-time unschooling mom.  Four kids, one husband, 6 chickens and one dog ... plus various other assorted creatures that make their way into our house.  It all keeps me pretty busy, but I've recently become re-acquainted with the concept of "me time."  I became certified in nutritional consulting earlier this year (and I continue to study natural health and fitness), but these days I've been spending all my extra energy on blogging and building my little online community.  I mostly blog about gentle parenting and unschooling, but topics may also include my kids, my adventures, my own quirky views on the world... and cupcakes.  I really like cupcakes.

Finally, to steal verbatim from my 'about' page:

I try really hard to live in the moment and not sweat the small stuff, because I have a million and one little neuroses that make me perfectly imperfect.  I also have 4 things that bring me total, unadulterated joy.  My kids are my heart and my soul.

If you're just here for a visit, I hope you'll stick around!



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You're a Terrible Mother

Yes, you. You are a very bad mother. You're still figuring things out. You've made mistakes. You've lost your patience. You've yelled. You've spanked.

Therefore, you are a terrible mother.

You didn't breastfeed. You did breastfeed. You breastfed too long. You home school. You public school. You vaccinate. You opt out. You use cloth diapers. You use disposable diapers. You use no diapers. You do things differently than me.

Clearly, you are a terrible mother.

I recently watched yet another online forum implode, in part because someone asked for advice and subsequently got her feelings hurt when she didn't like the advice given to her. She cried that everyone was making her out to be a bad mother, sides were taken, and BOOM. Another perfectly lovely community unraveled like the waistband on an old pair of underwear.

This is not unique of course. Everyone who's ever been part of a moms group in any fashion (but particularly on the internet) has seen it happen and again and again and again. People feel challenged. They feel judged. They get defensive. They want to blame the people around them.

"How dare she think I'm a bad mother!!"

But the fact of the matter is, she probably doesn't. And if you didn't already think it about yourself, chances are you wouldn't be projecting it onto her either. If you feel confident and peaceful about your own decisions, why would what anyone else says bother you anyway?

When I read something that challenges me as a parent, something that makes me react strongly in some way... whether in anger, hurt feelings, or defensiveness... I know that it's something I need to examine and respond to in myself, not to the messenger. Maybe it's something I know deep down that I need to work on. Maybe it's made me think about something in an entirely new light. Maybe it's struck a nerve on one of my own deep-seated regrets or insecurities. Maybe it's simply reminded me of my own mistakes.

None of the above makes me a bad mother.

And it doesn't make you one either. Self deprecation helps no one... not you, and certainly not your children. If something you read (here, or anywhere) strikes a nerve, ask yourself why. Made a mistake? Move past it. Need to make changes? Make them. Don't use your own guilt or frustration or insecurities as an excuse not to ask yourself the hard questions, or as an excuse not to do better.

Make choices intelligently, and make choices consciously... both of which are something a terrible mother - if such a thing existed - would never do.



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A Break

I have been writing and re-writing this post in my head, over and over for the past 48 hours. Did I really want to post it; how much detail did I want to share; would anyone care to read it anyway.

I ultimately decided to be honest and brief (as brief as I know how anyway): I am burnt out and I need a break. I need to recharge, and re-prioritize and re-organize my home, and my life.

Yesterday, a friend and I took our kids to the Children's Museum, and sometime between the sand table and the noodle forest I realized that I'd hit a wall and shut down. Not just in the normal introvert-feeling-overwhelmed-by-the-crowd-and-the-noise kind of way, but in a "Wow. Something's gotta give" kind of way.

I. Am. Tired.

In three and a half weeks, we're leaving for nearly a month long road trip. Instead of feeling excited about it, I'm predominately feeling overwhelmed and exhausted by it. And because I really don't want to feel that way about the biggest vacation we've taken since we've been married (or that I've ever taken really), I want to take steps to change it.

And it starts with a break... from blogging, from extra pressure I've been putting on myself, from unnecessary running around... just a break.

I don't know if it'll be two weeks or two months or ten months. I just know I need to do it. Thank you to everyone who has been reading so faithfully, and I will see you on the other side.



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You Don't Know Me. Or Do You?

Last night I was talking to some friends about my most recently received "You're a terrible mother" diatribe from someone who took issue with one of my blog posts. It wasn't a regular reader, but simply someone who followed a single link, found me objectionable, and posted about it.

It's become easy for me to dismiss that kind of critique, because obviously that person doesn't know me. Reading one single blog post does not an expert make. And sure, it feels good sometimes (in a wrong kind of way) to make snap judgments about someone when they write things we disagree with, but the fact still remains: That person doesn't who I am as a person, who I am as a woman, or who I am as a mother. Maybe if she got to know me, she'd find I wasn't quite so terrible after all. Or maybe she'd think I was even worse of a human being than she'd imagined. But right now, today, she doesn't know me.

It all got me thinking.

Surely you can get to know people on the internet. Some of my dearest and nearest friends are people I've yet to see in person. I know them. I know their personalities, and I know their hearts, and I know their intentions. Simply by reading their words on a screen. To me, there is no distinction between online relationships and real-life relationships. It's ALL real-life. Those relationships though have taken conversations, back and forth sharing, and input and effort by both parties. Unless you're commenting and interacting, a blog is very different. A blog can be rather one-sided. Can you get to know someone through a blog?

While it's impossible to know someone based on one blog post, what about 50? Or 100? What if you've read every post I've ever written but never interacted with me?

Do you think you can get to know someone solely through reading their blog? Do you think you've gotten to know me through reading my blog?



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“If you hear that someone is speaking ill of you, instead of trying to defend yourself you should say: 'He obviously does not know me very well, since there are so many other faults he could have mentioned.'” -Epictetus

Spilled Milk: A couple of thoughts a week later

The shoes that started it all

Dan, of Single Dad Laughing and Will Work 4 Followers posts a weekly "Lessons Learned"... sort of a rundown of the good and bad of that week's posts, how they were received, and what he's learned from it.  I've been thinking about that all day today, because I've learned a lot of lessons in the past week, both large and small.

First and foremost, I'm an even bigger introvert than I thought.  One week ago, on a really really good day, my blog would get maybe 200 views.  Maybe.  Today it got 4,700.  My Spilled Milk post has been shared and re-shared and passed along almost 2,000 times.  I say that not to toot my own horn, but to give a frame of reference for what I'm about to say, which is:

I'm little bit overwhelmed.

I have gotten a lot of comments, emails, and Facebook messages (most of which have been extremely positive, for which I am very thankful!!) and  I'm grateful and humbled by all of you who've passed my words along.  It's been very, very cool to connect with so many new people.  It's also been a little.... strange.  Scary.  I don't always know what to say to everyone, so bear with me.

Second, I've learned that I should have been a little more specific about my daughter's age.  I took it for granted that people knew she was only three, and I had many new readers who did not.  I got a lot of comments from people thinking she was much older, and wondering why I'd be okay with a 7 year old (or whatever) throwing shoes into a lake.  It didn't occur to me until today to go back and edit the post to reflect her age.  Sometimes it doesn't really make a difference, but I think in this case it made a big difference.  She's three.  And it might have spared me some grief if I'd been clear about that from the beginning.

I've also learned that there are some major limitations to blogging as a means of communication.  A blog post like that one is just one little snapshot... a small example to illustrate a larger point.  It wasn't meant to be a blow-by-blow account of how I handled the situation, more of a discourse on how I did NOT handle the situation.  But I left details out.  I didn't mention what I said to her (and honestly, I don't remember the specifics of what I said to her) just because I didn't think it would add to the message of my blog.   It wasn't really my point.  That does not mean though that I had the words, or the attitude, of "What a great idea, you cute little thing you.  Let's throw everyone's personal property into the water.  Here's my purse, and don't forget my phone and car keys!"  A lot of people commented (most nicely, some not as nicely) that while maybe the "things" don't matter, that the discipline matters.  That the teaching right from wrong matters.  That the consequences matter.  That if I let my kids do whatever they want - which again, was not the point - that they'll grow up into miscreants.  Or something. 

I've blogged about gentle discipline many times, and I will blog about it again.  In fact, I'm working on another post inspired by the many comments on this one... a post about learning right from wrong, about learning respect for ourselves and others, and about what we really mean when we say "natural consequences."    I hope to post it soon.

I believe in guiding my kids through loving words and actions, and I believe in discovering and circumventing and figuring out the world WITH them and beside them.  I believe in treating them with kindness and with respect.  And yes, I do screw up constantly sometimes and I'm always striving to do better.

I think all of the above are great and worthwhile things to talk - and write - about as fellow parents, and are a big part of why I keep this blog.  But if you're looking for someone who takes a positive stance on things like time-outs, taking away of privileges, and creating lots of rules - and you don't want to hear about alternatives - then this might not be the right place for you.   If you disagree, but are willing to discuss and behave like a grownup, awesome.  If you want to learn about another way of doing things, great. I'm happy to have you.

And finally, a quick word about comments.  I love comments.  I think most bloggers love comments.  I try to respond to them all (I actually have a few from today that I still want to get to) and I don't moderate them so far.  In other words, if you write it, it shows up.  And just like I believe in treating kids with respect, I believe in treating adults with respect as well.  I'm glad to have a respectful discussion with someone who disagrees with me, but if you're going to lead by telling me that I don't care about my kids, and that they must be home schooled since they're so selfish... you're not too likely to get much of a response.

To those of you who are still with me, thank you!  It's been a wild, and fun, past couple of days. :)

One Hundred

This marks my 100th post of the year. That is significant because 1) 100 is the most posts I've ever written in any given year, and the last - and only - time I did it, it took me until December 31st. And 2) It is only April 15th! I started out the year with a new commitment to post daily... and while I did miss a couple of days here and there, I've come close enough to feel good about it. And well, I'm kind of proud of those one hundred posts.

If you haven't yet "liked" my page on Facebook, I'd love it if you would!  You can do it on the right, without even leaving this blog, or you can go directly to my page and check it out.

These are some of the most-read and most-shared posts since the beginning of the year. Check them out to see if you've missed any, and re-share your favorite.


Why My Kids Will Never Be Socialized

Protecting Natalie

Unschooling and Unparenting: What's in a Label

Life as a Race: Observations from the Sidelines

Thou Shalt Not Do Yoga

What Are You Passionate About?

Making Peace With The Mess

What Are We Proud Of?

Back When I Knew It All

Unschooling FAQ

Thanks to all who are following along with me, and I'm looking forward to the next 100!

50 Best Blogs in the Unschooling Movement

50 Best Blogs in the Unschooling Movement

Lots of really great blogs on here.  Especially number 2.  I like 2.

The Evolution of a Blog (and of me)

I started blogging in December of 2004, just because I thought it'd be a fun thing to do.  This was my very first post.  I really just started out blogging about our life, like a journal.  I set it to private and shared it with approximately 3 people.  I'm not exaggerating.

A couple of years later, I still had it private, but I had maybe a few dozen readers.  I'd gradually lightened up, and opened up, and found myself sharing a lot more personal things about myself and my life with my family.  And then something happened and I kind of freaked out.  I find out that someone was sharing my posts.  Remember that my blog was still private, so people had to be invited to read it.  Someone was copying and pasting my posts for other people to read.  It was not done with any malice or bad intent.  It was simply someone wanting to share with others.  And the ironic thing was, if the people who were receiving these forwarded posts had asked, I would have gladly added them to the list!  It was just the idea of something private being copied and pasted and passed around.  It made me feel..... violated and icky.

So I freaked out.  I stopped short of deleting my blog, but I did remove everyone from my reader list.  I was then blogging just for myself.  Which was kind of stupid.  I already had a private journal.  And the whole reason I'd started it in the first place was because I thought it'd be a fun thing to share with other people.  And I stopped sharing it because... I got a little panicky about the fact that an extended family member read Tegan's birth story?

So I got a grip.  And my new solution to my feelings of weirdness of having my stuff shared was the exact opposite of what my first inclination had been.  Instead of keeping it private (which, quite honestly, was a pain.  I hated having to manually send people invites all the time), I made it completely public.  That way, I would know, for better or worse, that it was "out there."  It was in the blogosphere, and anyone who stumbled upon it could have at it.  Which meant that I couldn't feel strange or embarrassed or violated in any way if someone shared it.   Just because I was openly sharing about our life, did not mean I was openly sharing our WHOLE life.  I was still me.

And it was good.

I added the link to my email signature, and I gave it out a little more freely.  I started blogging more about unschooling and parenting and more "controversial" topics, rather than strictly sticking to slice-of-life stories of the kids.

I soon saw people sharing their blogs all over Facebook, but I wasn't quite there yet.

Here's the thing:  the part of me that makes me ponder everything, the part of me that makes me like to write and think and analyze and sort of dig deep inside my head... that same part makes me really, really sensitive.  When I'm writing I can feel powerful and passionate and bold.... but the fact remains that in person, when you take away the keyboard, I'm still that painfully shy girl in school.  The quiet one you probably wrote off as being conceited.  The one who would have loved to be your friend, but who wore walls of self-preservation a mile thick.  The one who was just desperately afraid of getting hurt.

The reason writing is always so personal to me is because it's ME, without my walls.    Sharing my writing is sharing ME, warts and all.

I share that simply to show what a big deal it was for me to start sharing my posts on Facebook.  I don't know what made me finally do it really, except maybe a desire to join the party.  So many great moms and unschoolers were writing, and sharing, amazing things.  The first post I ever posted on Facebook was Attachment Parenting:  Freedom and Joy, which I wrote last November.  I followed it up with Offensive, Defined, and was so humbled and excited to see a few people share it.    I got a couple of random and unexpected emails from people telling me they enjoyed my blog, which touched me more than I can say.

And then, I got my first negative response.  And then another.  And then another.   (It's not so much the disagreeing.  I am absolutely, 100% comfortable with the fact that I am weird and that people will disagree.  It's the disagreeing and being mean about it that gets to me.)  And just like that I was that freaked out little girl again, with my feelings hurt and wanting to take my ball and go home.

But this time I won't go home.  I'll stand my ground here in my little corner of the web, and I'll think what I think and I'll write what I write, because it's just what I do.  With that in my mind, today I took my final step of putting myself "out there", and made a Facebook page.  As of this writing, I have 5 whole fans. :)

The Path Less Taken

And in the grand tradition of "speak your mind even if your voice shakes," I'll speak my mind, and you can rest assured that my voice is shaking.

And when you're reading my shaky voiced blogs:
If you read something that you like, please tell me.
If you read something you that you want to talk about, please tell me.
If you read something that you think is straight up crazy, please tell me.

But please, please, be nice.  The scared little girl in the corner thanks you.

Excuse My Blog, Part Two

So I had a great post in mind, several of them in fact, but then I decided to play around with my blog some more. As anyone who blogs (or really does anything even remotely creative) can tell you, a couple of minutes of tinkering often turns into several hours of frustration.

And such was the case tonight.

There's still tinkering to be done, but I must. step. away. for now.

Here's a picture of the girl from this week. Cuz she's cute.

I still don't know how to use my new camera/lens combination. More tinkering is needed there too.

Excuse My Blog

That's all. My blog is undergoing some major renovations (it IS the new year after all) so please excuse its appearance while I work on it. And pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Here's a picture from today's (successful!) trip to Target. Of the balls.

(Insert Spencer laughter here)

Stay tuned for a real post tomorrow.