I CU

I CU = Intensive Care for the Christian Unschooler. 

I've been ignoring this weekly meme for awhile now, mainly because at the time I first read about it, it felt like another thing to add to my to-do list.  I know me, and I know that if I did it even once, I'd feel the need to do it again and again (not unlike the weekly Plank Pullin' posts, which I finally did just to "try it" and somehow continued, week after week, through some kind of force akin to compulsion.)  But I digress.  It's still a fun idea, and this week I decided to participate because 1)  I've been feeling more than a little uninspired, and could use a writing prompt, and 2) I'm in desperate need of some intensive care.  So without further ado, my first I CU...

“This week we want to…” get healthy!!  Although, that's using the word "we" loosely.  I.  I want to get healthy.  But I'm sure the kids would like it too, because it's a whole lot more fun having a mom that's up and about and running around, than one that's sitting on the couch feeling miserable about the fact that she feels miserable.


“The kids are…” discovering new passions, and re-discovering old ones.  They have been making boffer swords, and have recently gotten out their guitars again.  Spencer's still researching small engine repair, and our kitchen counters are once again taken over by disassembled Nerf gun parts.  Everett is looking forward to scouts and basketball in a couple of weeks, and the girl is excited about gymnastics.


“I am learning….”  that I'm still learning.  And that just when I think I have things figured out, I get a giant, metaphorical, "Ha ha, fooled ya," and I realize that not only do I NOT have it figured out.. but I that I don't even know what it was that I was supposed to be figuring out in the first place.  I'm also learning that the times when I'm experiencing the most growing pains are the times when I'm doing the most growing.


“I am struggling with…”  balance.


“This week is the first time….”  I've shown the movie Gremlins to the kids.  I love that they loved it. 


“I am grateful…” that my caffeine withdrawal headache has finally gone away, after 3 days.  I'm grateful that my coffee beans, grinder, filters, and maker are still there - waiting - for when I'm ready to embrace them once again.


“I’m looking forward to…..”  the Good Vibrations unschooling conference, a week from tomorrow!!  It'll be the first time we've been around a whole group of unschoolers in 5 years, and I cannot wait.



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Christian Unschooling, Defined

I didn't write this (though I wish I had) but I stumbled on it today, and I thought it so beautifully and succinctly said in two paragraphs what it took me 4 whole posts to say:

"Radical Unschooling is the Trust that a child will seek out and learn what he needs to know, when he needs to know it, without coercion, without school or school type methods, in the freedom and safety of his family. Our role as parents is to facilitate and make available our time, space, money, and lives to helping them explore the world.

Radical Christian Unschooling is the Trust that not only will a child seek out and learn what he needs to know when he needs to know it, without coercion, without school or school type methods, in the freedom and safety of his family, but that God will direct the child's path Himself. Our role as parents is to act as guides and mentors in the learning process, and to disciple our children in our Faith through our daily example of walking out our faith before their eyes."

--Susan McGlohn

Christian Unschooling, Part 4: That Pesky Word, "Radical"

If you're just getting here, you might want to read 1, 2, and 3 first.

“The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them.” ~Mark Twain

I saved this post for last for a few reasons. First, in many ways it's the most important, because it ties everything together and is at the crux of why we do what we do. It's also one of the hardest and most frustrating to write, and the one I've been losing the most sleep over.

I've come to a disheartening realization lately. What I said in part one about feeling like I'm alone in many ways was the truth... too Christian for the unschoolers, too unschooly for the Christians. But the fact is, in some cases that feeling is self-imposed. The unschoolers I know have, as a whole, been extremely welcoming and non-judgmental. As my unschooling circle grows, I'm just more and more thankful for its presence, and proud to be part of it.

Christian homeschoolers are, sadly, not as welcoming. I've read, and received, a lot of harsh words from other Christians who take issue with what I'm doing, from unschooling to discipline to television habits.

The ironic thing though, is that the harshest comments actually tend to come from a segment of other Christian unschoolers, those who are quick to denounce the term "radical". And they don't mess around about it. Seriously. Hell hath no fury like a don't-call-me-radical Christian unschooler scorned.

And frankly, I'm confused. They decry secular unschoolers for being "judgmental" of some of their choices as Christians, while they talk out of the other side of their mouth about how "sinful" radical unschooling is, how "stupid", how it's a "contradiction to the word of God," how those kids will grow up to be wild and rude, with no discipline, no respect, no self-control.

Um. Wait... who's judging who?

Here's the thing:

I call myself a radical unschooler. And the reason I call myself a radical unschooler, as opposed to a garden-variety unschooler, is that I've taken the freedom, the respect, and the trust that I have for my children's education, and extended it to all other areas of our life and our relationship. That does not mean that I'm like every radical unschooler you've ever met or read about. That does not mean that my house, and our life, looks like that of every radical unschooler you've ever met or read about. It seems like this should go without saying, but I've read too many things lately that lead me to believe that people have one - negative - stereotype of radical unschoolers, and they like to toss everyone in together.

We're not all the same.

I feel like I need to make that distinction, because I keep hearing broad, sweeping statements like

"Radical Unschoolers let their children make ALL the decisions"
"Radical Unschoolers let their children be rude, out of control, and show no respect for other people"
"Radical Unschoolers don't set any boundaries"

And then, inevitably, come the scriptures... how we're commanded to "train up" our children. How we're to chastise and discipline, and DEMAND RESPECT. How we're to Train. Up. Our. Children. How to do anything less would be to doom them to a life of failure and a damaged relationship with God.

:::Pausing to take a deep breath:::

I want to be really clear when I say that I'm fully aware of the responsibility I have as not just a parent, but as a Christian parent, and one who is trying to raise children in Jesus's footsteps. And I don't subscribe to radical unschooling philosophies in spite of it..... I do so because of it. Radical unschooling makes me think about how I'm treating my children, makes me think about what I'm modeling, makes me think about what respect means, makes me think about why I make the decisions I make as a parent... whether it's asking my daughter to hold my hand when we cross the busy street, or telling my 6 year old that sure, he can have ice cream before dinner. Jesus had a lot to say about how to treat children. Not so much about bedtimes, time-outs, and required reading.

You're shaking your head again. But, training! But, discipline! But teaching them to respect you!

My three year old recently became enamored with the words, "thank you." She says thank you more than anyone I know. She was never taught to say thank you, but she has learned, because her father and I say thank to her, to her brothers, to each other. We show respect to her, to her brothers, to each other. I think there's a big confusion here between the words "teach" and "learn." We do not have to TEACH kids to have respect and discipline for them to LEARN to have respect and discipline. I do not TEACH my kids about the Bible, and about God and Jesus. But they LEARN because it's a part of our life. We talk about it, we answer questions about it. We live it. We breathe it.

I "train up" my children - if that's a phrase that works for you - by fostering our relationship. By modeling discipleship. By talking to them, by guiding them, by treating them the way I would like to be treated. By treating them the way that Jesus would treat them.

As for the radical unschooling misconceptions I listed above:

No loving, attentive parent truly lets their young children make all their own decisions. My daughter is still very young. She may decide that it's a good idea to play in the middle of the 45 mph street (except she wouldn't, because through modeling and guidance she has learned that it's not safe) But if she did decide to go into that street, I would - as her parent - decide to keep her out of harm's way. What if she decides not to comb her hair? Or decides not to eat her vegetables one night? Or decides to wear cowboy boots, polka dotted tights, and a princess nightgown to the grocery store? Does giving her autonomy in those areas put her in harm's way? Does letting her make those decisions conflict with the word of God? Yes, our children get as many choices as we can possibly give them. And I get choices, and my husband gets choices. A true unschooling family operates as a working, breathing, give-and-take UNIT, not child-centered, and not parent-centered. My needs, my husbands needs, the kids needs: they all factor into the equation.

As to being rude, out of control, and disrespectful... we behave as well as we're treated. And life is full of boundaries, whether we like it or not. There are externally imposed boundaries, and boundaries that we set ourselves without even realizing it. We set boundaries with our tone of voice, with the way we treat ourselves, and the way we treat others.

If a family has kids who are disrespectful, if the kids truly are making ALL the decisions, if there honestly are NO boundaries... maybe it has less to do with radical unschooling and more to do with that *individual* family's choices.

I don't begrudge anyone who isn't a radical unschooler. Or who isn't a homeschooler at all. That's all part of the freedom I spoke about it in Part Two. We are free to raise our children, and educate our children, in the way we are individually led. For me, I am led to be a radical unschooler... to give my children choices and autonomy. To operate as their parent, their partner, their facilitator, and their friend. To support them and guide them as they grow and learn and follow their own paths, not mine. As a Christian, I fully believe that their path is laid out for them by someone who knows FAR better than I. I believe in that, and I trust in it. Radical? You bet. Unscriptural? Not at all.

And finally, I feel I'd be remiss if I didn't point something out. If you're reading this, and you're a Christian who bristles at my using the word, "radical", think about this: If you're going to be more than a follow-the-rules, Sunday morning Christian; if you're going to get out of your comfort zone; if you're going to "walk the walk" and truly ask yourself what Jesus would do in all situations.... you're gonna have to get radical.

Jesus was radical. The Bible is RADICAL.

Being a believer should be radical.

Christian Unschooling, Part 3: Humble Yourself Like a Child

Have you read 1 and 2 yet?

"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me."

Jesus had a pretty high opinion of kids. The verse directly before the one above says that "whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." The one before that says, "Unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."

I think of these verses every time someone questions whether or not it is biblical to unschool. I think of these before I think of those about freedom. I think of these before I think of those about parenting. I think of these before I think of those about education. Why? Because no matter what else an unschooling journey is, it begins with the children. If it were not for the children, there would be no unschooling.

(I see you shaking your head. But, but... what about the verses about discipline? What about the "training" verses? I'll get to those, in my next - and final - post on the subject. This one is about the kids.)

I think children are wonderful (and it's a good thing, since I have four of them :)) but even I am pretty awed by the weight of the above verses. Not only are we to welcome children in God's name, not only are we to humble ourselves like children, not only are children the greatest in the kingdom of heaven... but we are to actually BECOME like children. Pretty strong words, don't you think?

BECOME like children...

I know a lot of adults who could stand to become more like children. Children naturally have so many beautiful traits that are so often lost as they become adults! I don't ever want my children to lose that certain something... that part that believes in magic, and miracles, and the goodness of others. I don't want them to rush to grow up. I don't want them to lose their spark, or lose their love of life, or lose their love of learning. I don't want them to ever lose their faith.

Children are:

open
passionate
full of wonder
innately curious about the world around them
driven
humble
innocent
imaginative
joyful

They are specifically, and perfectly, and uniquely created, exactly as they are. They are not potential productive members of society... they are productive members of society right now. They are deserving of being treated with dignity and respect. They are not - as many would have you believe - second class citizens.

I have four children. They all have their own personalities, their own interests, their own passions, their own styles of learning. They all have their own unique sense of self. They all have their own paths. I want to honor that, and honor them, the way Jesus honored children. One of the ways I choose to do that is by unschooling. By spending my days with them. By nurturing my relationship with them. By guiding them and helping them and trusting them. By giving them the freedom to live and learn in their own way at their own pace in their own time.

Unschooling (and homeschooling in general) is not right for every family. Absolutely! But I can't help but think that no matter what educational route we choose, as parents we still have the right, and the responsibility, to love our children as fiercely as Jesus did. To respect them, to appreciate them, to honor them, exactly as they are, exactly where they are. To in fact hold them in such high regard that we view them as examples of what we ourselves want to become.

Part 4

Christian Unschooling, Part 2: Freedom

*(This is the second part of a series. You can read the intro here if you missed it.)*

"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery."

I don't like being told what to do. I'm the person who, when told to do something, will likely want to immediately do the exact opposite, just on general principle. Lots of unnecessary rules make me uneasy. Unsolicited advice makes my skin crawl.

I was never one to march to anyone's drum but my own.

You would think then, that I wouldn't be a person that would subscribe to any one religion. Religions are full of rules right? To an extent you'd be correct. And I have been to churches that have been very rules-focused. There have been times in my life that I've inwardly rebelled against anything even remotely overtly "religious," and to this day I'm very sensitive about feeling like I'm being preached at.

Thankfully, what I've come to realize is that Christianity isn't about the rules. It's about a relationship. It's not about living a life of rigidity. It's about living a life of FREEDOM. Verses like the one above tell us again and again that we've been set free, that we are not under a yoke of slavery.

And freedom is something I can celebrate!

Freedom to raise our children the way we see fit
Freedom to choose - or not - from any number of educational alternatives
Freedom to recognize and foster and appreciate our children's freedoms
Freedom to walk our own paths
Freedom to treat others with kindness, respect, and humility
Freedom to learn from, and with, all the people, places, and experiences in our lives

Does that freedom mean we should just be running all willy-nilly all over the place, with no regard for other's feelings or well-being? Does it mean that there are no consequences, no guidelines, no right and wrong?

Well that's where the relationship comes in. You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you've had a fight with someone you love? That gnawing sense of general "ick" that persists until you've made up? That's how I liken the feeling I have when I've strayed from my faith. Not because I'm "breaking rules", not because I'm disappointing someone... but because I love God, and when you love someone you WANT to do right by them. You WANT to listen to what they have to say. You WANT to hear their message. So what's the message, you ask?

The message (at least before all us people and churches and prideful opinions gunked it all up with complexity) is simply to love one another. To focus on the relationships, to focus on the freedom we have in Christ.

People find freedom in all kinds of places, but in my own life, that freedom comes from God. I don't worry about tomorrow because of my faith. I don't worry about the small stuff because of my faith. I welcome and cherish and embrace our God-given freedom, and I know that within the framework of that freedom, I won't go wrong if I focus on the relationships... relationships with God, with my family, with everyone I come into contact with. Do I mess up every other second of every day  occasionally?  Of course!  I'm not perfect, and the person I want to emulate was.  But because of grace, and because of freedom, I can just try harder the next time.

It doesn't make sense to me to let go and fully trust in that freedom unless it's in all areas of my life, including that in which I raise my children.  I believe with all my heart that when we truly let go and have faith (no matter where that faith comes from) that our paths will be laid out for us.  This is where mine has led, and continues to lead, so I trust it.  I believe in it.  And I am so thankful that I have the freedom to live it.

I ultimately chose to unschool for a lot of reasons.   But allowing my kids to also live and learn in complete freedom will always be at the top of the list.

Part 3

Christian Unschooling, Part One

This post is a response. Actually, it's a response to several responses to a response to a response to a call for guest posts. Got all that? Doesn't matter. There were a lot of things said, things that ignited something in me. And because the threads that were ultimately spun off the original spool turned into a mud-slinging fray which I had no interest in joining, I came here... here where I could share my perspective, in a mud-free environment. As the title suggests, this is only part one. There will be more, but first a little background:

A few months ago, I went to a message board that I used to frequent but hadn't posted on for a very long time. I landed there by following an incoming link on my blog's Stats page. It turns out that someone had posted a link to my FAQs, looking for reactions and opinions to this weird thing called unschooling. And people responded.

Now, I am fully aware that what we do is outside of what mainstream considers "normal." And I'm also fully aware that people are going to be curious, and have differing opinions, and have misconceptions. I am completely, 100% fine with that.

But can I just say, it's weird to happen upon a conversation about yourself, one that you haven't been made privy to? It was the first time it had really happened to me, and it was a very strange, unsettling feeling. And it was made worse by the fact that because I hadn't posted in there in so long (and felt very much like an invited guest to the party) I didn't feel right saying anything. I would have loved to be able to say, for instance, "Well, that's not really what I meant. Let me clarify." Or, "I could elaborate on that if you're interested." Or, "I don't think you really heard what I had to say there." Or, "Could I answer your questions to help you better understand?" Alas, like I said, I remained silent. I went about my day, said nothing to anyone, and tried to swallow the fact that maybe I missed an opportunity.

But that's the nature of the internet, for better or worse. There's one camp over here, and another over there, and a zillion and one in the middle. Surely there is some common meeting grounds, some neutral territory as it were, but man... that place is tough to find. I rarely fit in with Christian groups, because I'm an unschooler. I rarely fit in with unschooling groups because I'm a Christian. There is something called Christian Unschooling (for which I am thankful, to be sure), but there are differing camps there too, something I've recently been reminded of. "We're unschoolers, but not RADICAL unschoolers. Don't think we're radical unschoolers!" Because that would be, apparently, unchristian.

A few brave souls have tried to bridge the gap, strove to embrace similarities instead of nit-pick the differences. Their reward? The mudslinging I mentioned earlier. A friend of mine recently posted this Christian Unschooling post as a guest blogger. Someone else posted a (fairly respectful) counter post on her own blog, and then the comments - and the mud slinging - began. Christian unschoolers don't care about their kids! They're doing them a grave disservice!  They're unChristian!  They're not following the bible!   Except they didn't say it like that.  They were, well, mean.  And they were judgmental.   And they weren't listening to each other.  They weren't having a dialogue.  They were blurbing out a whole bunch of preconceived notions, and they were passing judgment based on one blog post.

I'm kind of..... well, I'm flummoxed.  What's a person to do?  We're supposed to get out there and spread the word right?   That yes, you CAN be both a unschooler and a Christian.  We're supposed to be able to have intelligent conversations with mature people, not get stoned at the first sign of dissent.   We're supposed to love one another, to embrace differences, to accept other people.

I'm used to being a lone reed... but I just refuse to believe I'm alone in this.

And so, I'm going to do it... I'm going to blog my own feelings on Christian unschooling, and invite your (respectful) comments, opinions, and questions.  This is where I'll be coming from:

1) I am a Christian.  By Christian, I simply mean someone who loves Jesus and strives to be more like him.

and

2) I'm also a radical unschooler.  By radical unschooler, I mean an unschooler who also has eschewed traditional parenting tenants in favor of a partnership, one in which there are (among other things) no mom-imposed bedtimes, no chore-charts, no time outs.

I'll talk about both of those things in much more detail, including my "WHY's" in Part 2.    Join me.

Part 2

What are we proud of?

Little Johnny made the honor roll again.  Suzy gets 100% on all her spelling tests, and is reading above her grade level.  Bob aced his SATs.  Karen got accepted into Dartmouth.  Steve made the Dean's list.  Henry landed a high-paying job with a big signing bonus.  Ken and Tina bought a new house with the white picket fence when they were still fresh from their honeymoon.

Those are all nice and lovely - if you care about those kinds of things - but...

What does it even mean?  Is this what we're on the earth for?  To participate in some great race to... somewhere... where the prizes are good grades and gold stars, bonuses and promotions?  I see so many people measuring success (both their children's and their own) on the above sort of criteria.  They're so proud of those report cards, so proud of those awards.

I don't know about you, but I want more than that.  I want something that means something.  And to be totally honest, when people gush with pride about their child's grades, while I will smile and nod and make appropriate congratulatory remarks... inside, my true knee-jerk response is something akin to "So what?"  To say that I'm remarkably unimpressed with things like grades is a gross understatement.  They just don't matter to me, and my list of objections to their very presence is lengthy.

But I'll pretend, for the sake of argument, that I do care, that I do think that things like grades are a good measure of success.  And I'll take it a step further, and say that the fancy college is a good measure of success too, as well as the high-paying job and the big sprawling house.  This is how society measures success, and for one (highly uncomfortable) moment, I'll go along with society.  Good grades, fancy colleges, high paying jobs = success.  Fine.  

But there's still a problem.  Even if all those things do truly measure success (and I'm still saying that they do) ...

They still don't measure character
They still don't measure joy
They still don't measure love
They still don't measure peace
They still don't measure kindness
They still don't measure compassion
They still don't measure gentleness

These are the things that make me proud of my kids. 

The rest of it... the grades, the schools, the jobs, the achievements... it's all just extra "stuff."  Strip all of that away, and underneath we are all people.  I'm not nearly as interested in hearing about your pride for your kids in terms of their labels - your son the scholar, your daughter the athlete - as I am in hearing about your child the PERSON.  

What happens when a parent decides ahead of time what it is that's going to make them proud... whether it's scholastic achievement, sports, the arts, a future career... and the child takes an entirely different path?  What happens when that parent has two or more children, and one meets their expectations and the others don't?  I have seen firsthand what it does to a child to grow up with his or her parents subtly and not-so-subtly disappointed in them, not as satisfied with them, not as proud of them as their siblings.   I told myself a long time ago that if I were ever blessed with children that I would not be that parent... that I would let MY KIDS show me who they are, and let MY KIDS teach me what they can be, and do;  and let MY KIDS be the ones to unfold all the different aspects of themselves that make me proud. 

And I am proud, of all four of them... in many different ways, but also in some fundamentally similar ways.  I'm proud of who they are as people, and you just can't measure that with a grade or a test or a job offer.

The older I get the more that I ask myself, "Will this matter at the end of my life?"  Is your grave stone going to be engraved with your SAT scores, or your stock portfolio, or the fact that you made six figures at a thankless job? 

No, it's not.  It's going to say that you were very loved.  The rest of that stuff?  It just doesn't matter.

This quote (often attributed to Emerson) sums it up best:

To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people
    and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics
    and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better,
    whether by a healthy child,
    a garden patch
    or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier
    because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

My kids are succeeding.  And for that, I am proud.