"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Plank Pullin': Who me, stubborn?

It’s Plank Pullin’ time! The one day a week that we strongly resolve to ignore the multitude of specks and sawdust around us and pull one bona fide plank from our own eye. Matthew 7:3-5, style.

My dad is a very stubborn man. Don't get me wrong, he's also a very sweet man. A very kind man. A very funny man. But yes, he's also as stubborn as all get out.

My husband is stubborn too. And it is mind. numbingly. frustrating. to me to talk with either one of them when they've dug in their proverbial heels about something.

So last night, I was laying in bed at 1:00 A.M... tossing, turning, trying to solve all the problems of the world... when I realized,

I'm more stubborn than both of them put together.

I have been a chronic insomniac for most of my adult life, and while - yes - there are multiple reasons for that, a large portion of the blame lands squarely on the fact that I am STUBBORN.

It drives me crazy when people offer unsolicited suggestions, mainly because I have tried them all (and gave up on them probably way too quickly)... but also because I am stubborn.

I don't want to give up my coffee for the length of time needed to see if the lack of caffeine really makes a difference, because I truly need it to function when I'm in a particularly bad patch... but also because I am stubborn.

I watch TV or hop on the computer when I can't sleep - both no-no's in the world of the "get better sleep" tips... because I am stubborn.

I don't enjoy not sleeping. I long for the days that I'll sleep again. But I know that part of me chooses it. I could take more steps to get better, but I don't. I could face the real issues (because I know the real issues) but I don't. It's easy, and safe, and familiar to keep going on as I have been, drinking my coffee, ignoring the elephant in the room, and failing to do the hard work required to face my demons and make things better.

I am stubborn. And I haven't slept for the better part of two decades because of it.

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