"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

Friday, March 18, 2011

Baby Steps

I tend to have an all-or-nothing personality. When I'm in my groove, nothing can stop me. I feel like I can take on the world. I'm organized, I'm upbeat, I'm productive, I'm happily humming along. Which is great when things are great, but pull out one tiny thread and I crumble. Once I start to lose my footing, for whatever reason, I let it all go. I can't sleep, I stop eating right, I stop exercising, I let the housework pile up, etc.  Until enough time passes, something reminds to get a grip, and I get myself right again.

It's kind of exhausting.

Yesterday, I signed up for another (thankfully self-paced) course that I've been wanting to take for a long time now.  As excited as I was - and I am excited - I was almost instantly seized with a sense of panic:

"Why in the world do I think I can do this when I can't even keep up with the laundry?"

I publicly lamented the fact that I wished I had more TIME (even though I know, deep down, that this has absolutely nothing to do with time)  and I got this wonderful, beautiful response from one of my readers on Facebook:
"You have all the time in the world! Just need to realize which things are for now and which are for another season in your life.... I think each thing should get our full attention and intention before we move on to the next idea. Slow it down. You'll get to it soon enough."
Such a timely reminder.  I have so many things I want to do, and because of life, and priorities, and circumstances, they keep getting shuffled around.  My yoga training has been put off again, most likely until next year... partly because of necessity, and partly because of choice.

I can't do it all right now. And that's okay.  It doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me, and it doesn't mean I have to just throw in the towel.   It means that I can live in the moment, and give myself fully to the season at hand.  It means that whatever I'm doing, I can do it deliberately, and fully, and with my whole heart...  and the rest will fall into place.

The past few weeks have been rife with sickness, sleeplessness, and stress.  I've been overwhelmed with how behind I am on ... well ... everything.  Today, I took a deep breath, decided to find peace in the moment, and slowly started stepping my way back into the light.  I can't fix it all today.  And that's okay too.

Today, it was just about the laundry.

I still had 3 more loads to do after these.
Since the kids are sick, and just needed to lay around and rest anyway, I put on a family-friendly movie, poured myself a fresh cup of coffee.... and folded the heck out of that pile of clothes.

It was actually strangely soothing and cathartic when I gave myself fully to the moment, and it felt good.  I wasn't stressing out about the rest of my to-do list, wasn't getting frustrated with the three year old (who was tossing the pile as quick as I could fold it), wasn't thinking about what I was going to do next.  I was just enjoying a movie with my kids, thankful for a tiny step back to organization, thankful for clean clothes, thankful for the opportunity to do something that would make our weekend a little bit easier.

There is peace to be found, even in laundry.


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